“...I think we are well-advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind's door at 4 a.m. of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends. We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget. We forget the loves and the betrayals alike, forget what we whispered and what we screamed, forget who we were.”
- Joan Didion
This blog is my attempt to stay on nodding terms with my former selves, like them or not.
I've said before that I like myself, where I am now. I'm obviously unhappy with my current situation, but on the whole I know I made the right choices and I will recover.
But, I've made choices I'm not proud of. I have a tendency to fall into relationships fully, and allow myself to change in the process, and to loose a bit of myself. It's one thing to be influenced by a significant other, it's another to become someone else.
Kind of like Ann on Parks and Rec, where she takes on the personality of her boyfriends...Andy meant flannel, Chris meant fitness obsession.
Brandon meant becoming quieter, more subdued, and kind of whinier maybe? In him I saw a strong, driven individual and was eager to support his goals. I learned that we made our decisions differently - my life choices tend to correspond to an overall goal for my lifestyle, while he is much more career driven. I saw these differences as being compatible, and believed that I could bend my life to his, and was willing to let his career drive our life for a while. During the collapse of our relationship, it struck me that he would pursue his career goals at the expense of our lifestyle, rather than in support of it.
I feel as though I've taken back ownership of my future, which is wonderful, and I'm committed to being more active in defining and pursuing goals...I just need to figure out what they are.